Posted on

My Shadow – Part 1

The purpose of this entry today is to investigate my shadow. The following paragraphs are my brief recollection about what I experienced, how I felt and my thinking on the situation. It is certainly not exhaustive, but I think this illustrates areas of my personality that need more light and inner work.

This is a bit rushed as I legitimately need to hit the road and run some logistics for my wife’s 50th birthday party this weekend and I am committed to making her birthday AMAZING!

I will certainly be back to analyze this concept in further depth beyond this session this morning. I am committed to more peace and kindness for myself and those around me.

“The shadow is the part of ourselves we really dislike and don’t want to acknowledge. It shows up in other individuals as a projection. The people provoke a strong reaction in us, it’s usually because we see ourselves in them, the part we don’t like about ourselves.”

For many months I have felt very low degrees of projection and resentment towards others. I would say it’s at an all-time low of resentment and anger in my life. It’s something that I have even been consciously aware of because living with more peace is certainly a better life. I feel good about it. And really do prefer it. However, I have not been without moments of deep resentment and anger towards very important people in my sphere.

In my day job it’s been a necessity to cultivate metacognition. As an elected official I am frequently accused of being responsible for things that oftentimes I have no authority regarding. I also have many people that I manage. My work requires a conscious awareness to be unbiased towards others. Thankfully, maintaining a calm and unjudgmental attitude and philosophy has become a consistent attribute and disposition in my approach and interactions.

But just when I thought I was on top of the world with my Zen like kindness… the Shadow. An eclipse. I am far from enlightened. I need more healing and to manifest more consistent kindness.

Most recently I played a central role in my brother’s wedding. I was the officiant of the wedding ceremony and spent several days assisting with site preparation and other logistics. My wife was also very instrumental in the wedding planning process and execution on several levels.

My shadow would appear, resulting in deep resentment and anger for my brother and his wife slightly during the ceremony and afterwards for many days. My shadow suggested I go down the rabbit hole and be drained of vital energy.  Thus, I PROJECTED…

The key features of my internal thought dialogue toward the wedding couple: they have limited self-awareness to the bigger picture, we should have realized that they would play the victim role in taking responsibility, they have low integrity for not reaching out to myself and my wife to discuss the hurt. It is a demonstration of cowardice. There is a very low bar of gratitude for the time, energy and recognition of the financial commitment we contributed.

My internal drama unfolded over several days as I sought resolution to both administrative and financial aspects of “wrapping up the wedding” responsibilities.

My projections expanded in interleaved into my interactions with my mother. It reached a crescendo inside me about 5 days after the actual ceremony, such was my anger that I withheld affection to my mother. I could not even stand to hug her and hastily retreated from further interactions with her.

The key features of my internal thought dialogue: you are responsible for your sons (plural) emotional intelligence foundation and have failed miserably. You did not and are not taking a leadership role in resolving the situation. Your evasive maneuvering by not addressing the situation with transparency and consensus only makes the wedding situation worse AND up to this point you’ve set a very low bar for how our family interacts. The conflict and distress I’ve had to overcome regarding my own emotional and cognitive development is partially the result of my mother and stepfather’s baggage, lack of self-awareness.  

Emotionally and physically – my body felt sick, I had difficulty sleeping, my heart rate was elevated, I felt “disgusted” toward all involved. This feeling of disgust. A body wash of clinched tenseness.  

Thankfully, the “outward” expression to the wedding couple was minimal. Hopefully. It has largely happened inside of me. Unfortunately, I cannot say that’s true for my interactions with my mother. I have reached out to all parties with the following communication:

My apologies for any stress and hostility all of you have may have experienced from me regarding the wedding and wedding wrap up. 

Note that regarding my wife… when I have “spoken for her” in a few instances. I should be careful about conveying what others are feeling. 

In retrospect, I would have handled some things differently in regard to the entire wedding experience. 

There is much for me to continue to reflect on. And I know I am still work in progress to being a better human expressing more kindness more often.

I love you all very much and I’m grateful that you accept and love me in my darker moments. 

Thank you for that grace. 

I will remain open to any quality improvement that you would like me to be aware of, in regard to our personal interactions together and to the bigger picture of our family’s future together as we move forward.

Interestingly, this cognitive and emotional physical drama was in stark contrast to everything else that was happening around me. It was a “situation”. The whole affair took on its own state of consciousness. I am grateful that my state did not appear to be bleeding into my other interactions. It feels a bit like a dream to me now. But there is follow-up work that needs to be done

This wraps my first example of shadow work as previously defined. More examples to follow in the come in weeks… My hope is that any hardship and stress I have projected onto those around me can be repaired.

Posted on

Doing Less is More?

Saturday. Feeling the fatigue of the last few weeks. One of my talking points in therapy has been acknowledging that my relentless pursuit of “doing” has implications. I’m referring to the kind of doing that is the antithesis of “just being” which is often just slowing down and recognizing that being productive is not always the best game plan. The recommendation that I find time to decouple from keeping up with the joneses has not been lost on me. It seems to be most apparent when I am exhausted, tired and recognize that I have little energy for the continual push. Why do I find it particularly annoying and bothersome that my cognitive energy is lacking? I should appreciate that we have growing self-care recognition in our cultural dialogue and that it’s relevant to find “more balance”. Nevertheless, I find it difficult to stay still.

My nephew Logan. I did get to spend some time with him, my sister and parents this week. I was particularly grateful for how much time my son spent with his cousins and helped out by being present and aware of their needs. Can’t take your eye off this one for even moment!

For example, I often discover that a good session of morning mediation sets the best tone for the day.  It decreases my anxiety, if I’m anxious. It often reveals the subconscious motivations that are driving me. Yet, I find myself often forgoing the practice so I can get at it. Whatever that is. Usually, it’s rushing to the office and the first meeting of the day. Plugging into the expectations of work, home and family responsibilities without framing that trajectory with self-reflection can be haphazard.

Today, I remind myself. Let this weekend have deeper symbolism and utility. It’s important that I set the baseline before many interactions. What are we trying to do? How will our efforts make an impact to do the best? How can we be of service to the community uniformly and equitably? Do I walk the walk?

SIM workshop was a great experience. I learned a lot about where we “intercept” those who move through our local criminal justice system. A stabilization center would be of great service to this community. I think we can find a way.

In recognition of self-care, stillness, and doing less to be of greater service in the future – I’ll keep it on the down low this weekend. Helping my wife prepare for my brother’s wedding, getting some veggies at farmers market, reading, finishing my final NICA course certification and getting groceries are on the weekend agenda.

One work-related exception today. I’ll hand out awards to the Barrel to Keg Relay participants at the Rogue Brewery this afternoon representing as county commissioner.

“The Barrel to Keg Relay is a team-based event where most participants form teams of 7 runners or 4 walkers.  Each team provides a volunteer to assist on the course.  With an average of about 100 teams.”

Final leg of the Barrel to Keg. This event is the 10th Anniversary Celebration. It included a camp out at Harris Bridge Vineyard on Friday evening, relaxation by the river, indulging in delicious drinks, a family-style potluck meal and live music.

My favorite quote(s) so far today comes from Maria Popova.

“Well, there are certain core beliefs, I guess. I think a lot about the relationship between cynicism and hope. Critical thinking without hope is cynicism, but hope without critical thinking is naïveté. I try to live in this place between the two, to try to build a life there. Because finding fault and feeling hopeless about improving our situation produces resignation, of which cynicism is a symptom, a sort of futile self-protection mechanism. But on the other hand, believing blindly that everything will work out just fine also produces a kind of resignation, because we have no motive to apply ourselves toward making things better. I think in order to survive, both as individuals and as a civilization, but especially in order to thrive, we need to bridge critical thinking with hope.”

The Barrel to Keg will have many legs within Lincoln County. Wondering if a road is a state highway, city street, local access road, private road or belongs to another entity such as US Forest Service or a special road district? You can call Public Works at (541) 265-5747 for road jurisdiction information.

“So much of culture deals with what is urgent right now and not what is important in the grand scheme of things. And there is this sort of time bias or presentism bias that happens.”

“Which is in part because of the way that the Internet is structured. So when you think of anything from a Twitter feed or a Facebook feed to a news website, the most recent floats to the top, always. And it’s always in reverse chronology. And I think that’s conditioning us to believe, rather falsely, that the most recent is the most important, and that the older matters less or just exists less, to a point where we really have come to believe that things that are not on Google or on the news never happened, never existed, or don’t matter. The internet — its beauty is that it’s a self-perfecting organism, right? But as long as it’s an ad-supported medium, the motive will be to perfect commercial interest, to perfect the art of the listicle, the endless slideshow, the infinitely paginated article, and not to perfect the human spirit of the reader or the writer.”

(https://onbeing.org/programs/mapping-meaning-digital-age-maria-popova/)

Finally, I appreciate a quote here from a reviewer of Werner Herzog – A Guide for the Perplexed. This person says “Herzog’s philosophy is clearly stated throughout. Simply put, he believes that real life is everything, and it is through intimate and committed contact with real life that we discover true understanding and meaning.” I like this. Enjoy the weekend.